Kids often get caught in the middle of a divorce and feel as if they might have done something to cause such a drastic measure. Usually that is not the case.
It seems that almost every person has or knows someone who has gone through a divorce. It is one thing when a couple splits, but when kids are involved it can become a sticky situation. Tweens coping with divorce often have feelings of guilt associated with their parents splitting up. Here are some tactful ways to help your child understand that divorce is not his fault.
Communication and Honesty
By the age of 9 to 12 years, most kids can have a general understanding of why parents divorce. You should always be honest with your child about why you and your spouse are splitting up. Otherwise, your tween might conjure up thoughts that he might have done something wrong. Take that worry away as soon as possible. There is enough strife going on in a family when a divorce is evident, and feelings of guilt should not be one of them, when it comes to the child involved.
Sacrificing Relationships
Some divorced couples can stay friends. That is not the case in every situation, so there may be times that you should try your best to tolerate situations that may help your child feel more secure. For instance, if your child is in a school play or has a football game, it may be easier for him to concentrate on his efforts knowing that you and your spouse can sit together and cheer him on. This can be quite a sacrifice, but may make it easier for your child to cope.
Visitation
Often times a child will be split between two homes after a divorce. This can be nerve-racking for either parent to wonder what their child is doing out of their presence. This seems to be especially true for the mother, who has her natural maternal instincts. In time, this should become easier. There is a big adjustment when a child has to become familiar with two family styles and two sets of rules. Of course, the ideal situation would be for both parents to keep similar rules that a child is already used to, but this does not happen most of the time.
What is the Tween's Responsibility?
Here is a quick list of things that you can expect from your child after a divorce, as well as a list of things that you should not put upon your child.
Do
- Expect your child to help out at home a little more with chores.
- Expect your tween to keep his routine of doing homework.
- Expect your child to play and make friends.
Don't
- Ask your tween to a messenger between you and your spouse.
- Expect your child to help you make financial decisions.
- Think that your tween needs to worry about adult problems.
