For many tweens, the harsh words, teasing, or just plain rotten actions of others can create confusion, pain, and deep emotions. Being a parent, it is hard to take away these feelings, but sometimes a child must deal with the problem on his own. As a parent, though, teaching a tween the important life lesson of forgiveness can make him stronger, and help him grow into a well-rounded and stable adult.
As a tween gets older, sometimes the pain can hit harder as children tend to remember wrongdoings longer and hold onto grudges. By teaching a tween to forgive those people that have caused him pain or anger, this in turn is teaching him to be more compassionate and understanding.
Tweens Need to Express Frustration and Anger
One of the worst things a tween can do is to keep pain, anger, and frustration inside. He needs to talk about his feelings openly in order to deal with the issue at hand. If it’s not a parent, perhaps an older sibling, grandparent, or other trusted adult will do. By talking about what wrongdoing has happened, he will become better prepared with coping and moving on.
When talking with a tween, it is important not to say, “I told you so,” or to berate his decision to get close to someone in the first place. A tween needs to feel somewhat independent and that his opinions and choices matter. By making a child feel comfortable when talking about unkind situations, he is more likely to return for more conversations later on.
Talk with Him, Not at Him
Listen intently to the problem a child wants to discuss. Understand how hurtful others can be. Ask a tween how he feels and what can be done to help. This can be a good time to explain why forgiveness is important, and that the hurtful words or deeds of others will happen again in life. Explain that it’s how he copes with it that will help determine how long the difficult period will last.
A tween needs to understand that forgiveness is one of the first steps to healing. While it is easy to say "forgive and forget," that is not always the case. It is human nature not to forget, but it does make it easier to move on. When a tween feels hurt by a family member or close friend, in particular, forgiveness may come easier, but wrongdoings by established enemies generally takes longer to plant the seeds of forgiveness.
Don't Expect Too Much Too Soon
It takes time for anyone to forgive another for causing heartache. Don’t push your child to saying he has forgiven someone if he hasn’t yet. This can cause a struggle inside as he tries to come to terms with what he thinks he should do and what he isn’t ready to do. Let him come to terms with problems on his own.
Watch for Other Problems
Not all tweens get over a hurt or wrongdoing in a healthy way. Watch for deeper, emotional problems that seem to plague a child [Healthy Anger: How to Help Children and Teens Manager Their Anger by Bernard Golden, Oxford University Press, 2006]. If the child is displaying more serious issues, it is imperative to find help through a counselor or other trained individual. This is not something to be overlooked or passed off as just an age issue. Signs to look for include:
- Depressed attitude
- Unwillingness to discuss problems
- Lack of interest to play with friends
- Outward displays of fear
Any of these signs can mean a child is not dealing with a simple case of wrongdoing. There may be something more than he is willing to tell. These signs warrant further investigation.
Encourage a tween to talk about his feelings and problems. Teach him about forgiveness and how much better it can make him feel to let go of anger. Watch for any signs that a child is coping in a way that is unhealthy. Get help for a tween, if he is not able to move forward in his life.
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