What if the communication problems between children and parents were not an aversion on the child's part to talking to you, but something else entirely?
Whether it is a discussion you need to have with an employee, an unwanted visit from a family member or simply opening your credit card statement, most adults have experienced the anxiety that comes with having to do something they know will be difficult. Fortunately, through years of experience and practice, most have developed the coping mechanisms necessary to tough it out and get it done.
Would you agree that the older you get the more manageable these situations become? If so, consider how much less experience your child has in dealing with difficult situations. There is a direct correlation between a child’s level of experience and how much anxiety he may feel in talking with you about troublesome topics.
How often have you asked your child what was bothering him only to have him shrug his shoulders or tell you that everything was fine? How many times have you wanted to be there for him, but instead went to bed worried and concerned about what was causing the mood changes, the sad demeanor, or the troubled look on his face?
Is your child anxious?
Consider the possibility that your child is not rejecting your offers to listen because she is intentionally distancing herself from you. Perhaps, she simply does not have the confidence or skills to overcome the anxiety she is feeling and can not initiate the conversation. Perhaps she wants nothing more than to talk with you, but simply does not know where to start. If this is indeed the problem, there may be an easier solution than you think.
Tips and tricks to keep the conversation going
Sit with your son or daughter and share your concerns with them. Depending on age, either have them or help them create a “Talk Box” that can be kept in their bedroom. Whenever something is bothering your child, her job is to write you a note telling you as much as she comfortably can about the topic. Your job is to check the box each day and approach her to initiate the conversation. Do not check the box only on the days you suspect that something is wrong. Check it everyday without fail. Even leave an occasional note yourself, just to let her know you are thinking of her.
The makeshift anonymity of a note left in a box will likely lessen the worry about how to introduce a difficult subject and may also free them from concern about your initial reaction. The notes you find may be as simple as, “Ask me about my history grade.” On the other hand, you may find pages and pages filled with the worries of life in general. If timing of the discussion is an issue, encourage your child to also let you know when he will be ready to talk with you. When a specific time is requested, respect this request as much the situation allows.
The goal here is to promote trust and mutual respect for one another. At the same time, you will be lovingly demonstrating to your child that you are an ally who can help find solutions for any struggles he or she may be having. Over time, the box may become obsolete. On the other hand, it may evolve from a physical box to an email inbox or a sticky note left on your bathroom mirror. The important point is that the two of you discover what works and then each do your part to keep the communication flowing.
If you succeed, your child is freed from the anxiety of sharing her worries with you and you no longer have to go to sleep wondering what problems may be brewing in her life.
