Mother Daughter Relationships
Understanding What a Tween Needs in These Confusing Years
A tween girl has many emotions the older she gets. She may be moody one minute and as sweet as can be the next. What is a mother to do with this new person?
A mother is the number one role model for her daughter. Let's face it, you are the one she spends the majority of her time with (either directly or indirectly), and she cannot help but pick up some of your mannerisms along the way. Just try and think back to when you were your daughter's age. Surely you can remember some of the same insecurities, triumphs, and struggles that your daughter is experiencing now.
Signs of Affection
You may still want a good morning hug before your child enters school, but your tween backs off from this ritual. It is very important to realize that it is not you that she is backing away from, but rather her sense of independence and her ability to control a situation that is coming into play. She may be afraid that her friends will taunt her and think she is a mama's girl. Don't be surprised though, if this same person wants to snuggle with you at night while you watch a movie together. Tweens go through phases until they figure out who they are and what they really want.
Showing Respect
One of the best things you can do to keep a good relationship with your daughter is to respect her feelings. Understand that she is changing. She still needs you to be her cheerleader and may even need you for comfort, but give her the space she needs to decide things on her own. For instance, if she wears her hair a particular way, it is okay for you to make another suggestion, but if she wants to keep it the way she has it (and it is not totally inappropriate), then let her. This sends the message that you respect her point of view, and she can make certain decisions on her own.
Controlling Issues
The major problem that rears its ugly head in a mother daughter relationship is the need to control. A mother wants to control her daughter's clothes, friends, and extracurricular activities, while a daughter often rebels against her mother to show she is in control of her own life. This struggle can undoubtedly tear a relationship to shreds. In most cases, the mother simply wants what is best for her daughter's safety and reputation. There are times, though, that a mother needs to let her daughter make mistakes, so she can learn and grow from them.
Here are some helpful hints to help a struggling mother daughter relationship:
- Write letters to each other outlining what you expect from your relationship with each other. Read each other's letter in private. This will really open eyes as to how the other is feeling, and better communication may then be able to take place.
- Find an activity that you both like to do, and make a point of doing this together. Maybe it is a day at the salon or a sappy chick-flick. Maybe you both like to ride bikes or jog. Finding a common interest can make you both more open to talk and have fun together.
- Treat your daughter's victories, such as a good grade on a test, making a sports team, etc., with extra enthusiasm. Let her know that you are proud of her.
- Remember to teach your daughter how to treat you with respect. No child should ever have so much freedom and independence that she mistakes it for having control over her mother. The mother is still the authority-figure, and teaching your child how to have that proper respect is of utmost importance.
